Bums
by Bones365
Summary: Harry intrudes on an...intimate moment between Hermione and Ron, and has some thoughts on their relationship. Rather fluffy.


_Just a little fic that came to me from nowhere. No copyright infringement intended. I hope you enjoy._

"Ron. Stop."

….

"Ron! I'm serious."

…

Harry Potter slammed the book in his hands down onto the desk, hard. His best friend jumped violently and glared at him, but he still accomplished his goal.

"Stop jiggling your leg." He said sternly, watching Ron run his hand through his already ragged hair.

"I'm not jiggling my leg!" He protested, looking back down at the file on his desk.

"Not now." Harry said through clenched teeth. "But you were." Ron sighed and tossed the file to the far corner of his desk, onto an already precarious pile. He scrubbed a hand down his face and slumped down into his chair.

"Sorry." He muttered. Harry nodded in sympathy. Everyone in the Auror's offices were on edge these days. There had been a huge influx in petty crime as people began to cautiously move back into previously war-torn neighborhoods. The problem was, as the law-abiding land owners moved in, the rogue snatchers and thieves didn't exactly move out. There wasn't enough man power in the department to address these crimes, the rogue snatchers and death eaters, and the political clean-up from the war.

It's why at the ripe old age of nineteen, Ron, Harry and about ten other trainees had been promoted to Full Auror status a year before the rest of their recruitment class. Harry had been wary, Ron had been somewhat indifferent and Hermione had been absolutely thrilled. _Hermione._

Yes. The current topic of Ron's distress. Harry sighed and tried to focus on the report in front of him. _Stolen set of pearls and a small…cat? Who would seal a…oh. Car. Small car…_ He rubbed his fingers under his glasses and tried to refocus his eyes. He resisted the urge to smack himself when he realized that he'd left the Ministry's Accident Response file at home. Again.

Across the room Ron cast a replenishing charm on his coffee.

They'd been working some of the longest hours he'd ever experienced. Harry was sure that even during the Horcrux hunt there'd been more structure to his days than there were now. As it was, the only reason he was sure he'd taken a shower or eaten today was because Ginny had made it her mission to oversee these tasks. ("I'm not going to have my boyfriend smelling like parchment and old socks! And if you get any skinnier I'm going to have to get you a child-sized broom!")

Harry closed his eyes briefly and allowed himself to think of Ginny and her crusade for his cleanliness. She'd been especially thorough this morning. She'd gotten in the shower with him and made sure to soap up just the right spot…with her mouth…on her knees.

"Harry. Stop."

Harry blinked his eyes open, trying to look innocent. Ron didn't buy it.

"Whatever you're thinking about, stop. That's my sister. I'm sitting right here and you're practically defiling her in your head." He grumbled. Harry thought about telling Ron that he didn't need to defile her in his head, he'd done it with his own two hands about eight hours ago, but restrained himself.

The only problem with having a friend for so long as he'd known Ron was that he always, _always_ knew what Harry was thinking. It would be uncanny if he couldn't do the exact thing back. He knew the exact look that Ron got in his eyes right when he was thinking of Hermione. It was disgusting. Oh…There it was.

Harry threw an old tea bag at Ron's head.

"If I have to stop then you do, too!" He said, rolling his head to release some of the tension in his neck. Ron scowled at him and dropped the bag into he overflowing waste bucket.

"You know, you could have some sympathy for me! You were…you…this morning, most likely!" Ron still couldn't bring himself to actually articulate his best mate and his baby sister having sex, so he usually just stuttered and then skipped the middle bit. "And I haven't even _seen_ Hermione in over three weeks! No contact! Nothing!"

"But she's coming home today." Harry reminded him. Ron grinned toothily.

"Yes. She is. And so's her bum. And her little knickers. And her tits."

"Stop!" Harry yelled, reaching to throw something else at Ron, but only coming up with a pair of scissors. He wisely put them back. "That's…that's horrible! I don't want to hear about that. I don't want to think about her bum-"

"But have you ever really looked at it?" Ron leaned forwards. There were few things he was passionate about, and Hermione's ass was right up there with chocolate and the Chudley Cannons. "It's perfect! It's all tight and round and-"

"Argh!" Harry threw the scissors.

"Harry Potter!" An indignant voice chimed from the doorway. They both swiveled to look at the outraged figure of their best friend and Ron's girlfriend. Ron jumped to his feet and crossed the room quickly, pulling her into his arms. Hermione continued to glare at Harry over his shoulder.

"Did you just throw _scissors_ at Ron? Do you even know how dangerous that is?" She demanded, reaching up a hand to run through Ron's hair. Ron pulled back to frown at her.

"They came really close to my head, too."

Harry rolled his eyes and tipped back in his chair. Ron was such a suck up. Hermione gasped and eyed the wall where the scissors in question had embedded themselves in the wall.

"I aimed wide! They were at least two feet away from him-" Harry scoffed.

"But think how dangerous that was, Harry. You could have killed me. Nearly gave me a heart attack!" Ron was playing the pitiful auror and Hermione was buying it. Hook, line, and sinker. "He's been throwing things at me all day." Ron practically pouted, and Hermione turned to glare at Harry. Over her head, Ron grinned and winked at him.

Harry scowled at them both but pushed out of his chair anyways. "How are the centaurs, Hermione?" He asked, reaching to pull her into a hug. When he let go, she patted his cheek and went to sit at one of the guest chairs in the office. Ron followed her as if in a trance.

"They're so rude. And they're hardly interested in compromise at all. Though I can't really blame them. They've been short-changed so much by the Ministry in the past they're just not acclimated to an actual compromise solution…" She trailed off and ran her hand across her face in an exact imitation of what Ron had just mere moment earlier. "I'm just happy to be home. I need to sleep for days. I can only sleep so well up in a tree."

Ron hurtled to his feet. "Then let's go home!" He practically yelled. Harry watched as he nearly tripped over himself to gather his things and hustle Hermione out the door. Hermione's eyes crinkled as she allowed herself to be ushered out. Harry saw her reach up on her toes to whisper something in Ron's ear that made him walk even faster, practically jogging.

"Bye, Harry!" She laughed while Ron tugged her down the hall to the lifts.

Harry shook his head after them and looked mutinously back at his work. He wished that he could skive off of work early like Ron, but he didn't have an excuse. Ginny was in town, packing for Holyhead. The only other thing that Harry could possibly be doing would be watching wistfully as she folded her sock.

And Harry refused to be reduced to that. _I've watched Ron do it often enough._ He thought. Hermione and Ron definitely hadn't had an easy time of it. Both of their jobs took them all over the place at all hours. Harry couldn't remember the last time the couple had spent more than two solid weeks together.

He felt bad, he really did. He loved them both and they were happy together and unhappy apart. But…He scrunched his face up and tried not to picture Hermione's bum.

But when they were together Harry was constantly wondering what they were up to. Or accidentally walking in on them. Or having to watch their disgusting morning-after banter. It made him sick.

He'd long ago accepted that his best mates were going to end up together, but did they have to be together _right under his nose?_

Shaking off his thoughts, Harry planted his hands on the table and looked down, ready to do some work. Some very serious, hard-core revisions on the…

On the Ministry Accident Response file. Which was not here. Because it was at his flat. Where Ron probably had Hermione thrown up against the living room wall.

"Stop it!" He hissed to himself. There was enough to worry about without bringing _that_ imagery into his head.

"Say something Potter?" Robards stuck his head into Harry's office as he was walking by. Harry blinked. He was not about to tell his boss that he'd been thinking about his two friends doing it against a wall. Nope.

"Uh…I said send it, Sir. I was reminding myself to have Ron sent the Accident Response file from our flat. I forgot it this morning." He covered rather nicely, if he did say so-

"The Accident Response that's due tonight by six?"

_Damn._

"That very one, sir. It's almost finished. Most of the revisions were done at my flat and-"

"Well, I wouldn't trust Weasley to get that to you before five, Potter. Saw him running down the hall with miss Granger. Files are the last thing on his mind, I'd wager." Robards smiled at Harry when he made a face. "Not to worry, Potter. Just go get it now. Turn it in early and you can have the night off, eh? You've been working hard. Take your girl out to dinner. She's about to head off to training camp, yes?"

"Y-yes, Sir." Harry had long since stopped wondering at how his boss knew all these things. He'd seen some of the personnel files on the Weasleys. They were a Ministry priority. They could barely sneeze without an Auror pulling out a hankie.

"Well, then finish the report and apologize to her for me! I've been keeping you much too late." Robards departed with a final wink and Harry waited till he was out of earshot to let his head slam onto his desk. He tilted to his side to look at the clock. It was half-past four. If he went and got the file now, he could be done by five. Then maybe he could persuade Ginny to let him come over and…

_But what if Ron and Hermione aren't done shagging against a wall?_ He thought frantically. He tried to calm himself. Maybe they'd had the foresight to take it into Ron's room? Maybe they were just talking? _You know that's not true_.

He squared his shoulders and set his jaw, rising to march down the hall to the Auror fireplaces. _Just keep your eyes shut as you come into the fireplace. That's all. Just shut your eyes and- _

"Potter/Weasley flat!" He told the flames, and squeezed his eyes closed hard as he spun to a stop. He held his breath, listening for any suspiciously sexual noises and heard…snoring?

Harry blinked his eyes open and looked at the couch. Ron was sprawled across is with one arm slung down almost to the floor and the other firmly around Hermione, who was passed out on top of him.

The whole scene was about as non-sexual as Harry could imagine, without Mrs. Weasley being there. Hermione was wearing flannel, for Merlin's sake! He tiptoed around the sleeping pair to retrieve the file from the table. Flipping it open, he found he'd done more work last night than he'd thought.

He smiled at the thought of surprising Ginny. Padding back around the couch, he resisted the urge to pull a blanket over the couple, but he decided they looked comfortable enough as is.

Before he threw the floo powder into the fire, he frowned and peered back into the room to sneak a peak.

_Hmm._ He thought to himself as he spun through the fire. _Ron was right. Hermione _does_ have a nice bum._

_Well? What did you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please review!_


End file.
